Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be repeatedly shocked with increasingly powerful bursts of electricity in your already pain-riddled limbs? And then probed with needles which shot even MORE electricity into your calves, thighs, and lower back?

No. You haven’t. Because even imagining it sucks.

Welcome to my life. 

On Wednesday I saw my physiatrist dude and had an EMG test — basically the delight I described above — to make sure nothing wacky is going on with my nerves. My docs are kind of doing the whole “process of elimination” thing to figure out why I’m having such persistent pain. So far we’ve ruled out thyroid problems, underlying inflammatory diseases like rheumatoid arthritis, growth hormone imbalances, and rabies. Well, probably not the last one, but I’ve been poked, prodded, and drained of blood so many times that I wouldn’t be surprised.

Anyway, back to the EMG.

After a dozen or so shocks, some minor bleeding, some major shaking, a brief discussion on why tall people are better at everything, and a few jokes about the pains of childbirth (naturally), my doc told me my nerves are totally normal. Woo-frigity-hoo. Thanks for the unnecessary electro-shock therapy. Now I know what it feels like to be a crazy person or depressed housewife from the 50’s.

I’m not really surprised at the results. Didn’t expect much to be going on with my nerves since my pain feels more musculoskeletal and tendonitis-y than anything else. So since all my labs and tests have come up normal, Dr. Tannenbaum said there isn’t anything else he can do for me and to “have a nice life.” I mean, he said it in the kindest and most fatherly way possible, but still, I wanted burst out laughing/crying and stab myself with a nerve-conduction needle. Why is my body so goddamn SPECIAL? 

My doc’s parting comments were that I should continue with PT and gradual strengthening. He said that hopefully I’d come out of this perpetual pain pattern since I’m no longer continuously pounding my feet into concrete every day. So basically, there’s no magic bullet. But who knows, maybe I just need a good chunk of time in a healthy environment (a.k.a. not NYC) so the progress I make can actually stick. 

We shall see. 

Peace, love & patience,

Steph